Never get rejected again by implementing these 6 principles into your daily life

I came accross the Social Heartist John Cooper the other day, and this man is defintelly one to listen to. He is not a pick-up artist and he believes that genuine human interactions creates a real connection between people. You will never be rejected again by implementing and developing these principles or “traits” into your personality. What I mean by never being rejected is not that everyone will all the suddenly want to date you or fall in love with you, but that you don’t care if they ask you out or not. You don’t have an agenda, and you don’t expect anything from anyone but yourself. I’m gonna go through John Cooper’s 6 principles to fearless connection and explain them in an even simpler way that would be more targetted towards a female audience.

Feminine principles

1. Autonomy
   

   
   Be self-dependent. Trust yourself, rely on nobody else. Be self-contained within your own actions. We don’t need anything, or anyone else to fullfill us, we create our own happiness. The reward comes from within that moment, that interaction, and that glimps of unexpected reality.

2. Giving (unconditionally)
   

   
   Spread love, spread good vibes, give attention, share yourself with others. Be happy to give of yourself, because you are something special to share. Make people feel good about themselves, try to understand them, show them respect, approve of them, make them feel special. Create a good atmosphere around you and you will see that people will thrive to be in your company.

3. Play – with men, not against men

   
   Don’t play games or mind-tricks and try to manipulate your environment or people around you. Remember we are all individuals so let’s play and have fun together! Don’t go out there to get something, needy behavior shines through the roofes and is obvious to everyone.The narrative is created in the moment by everyone involved. The most basic freedom in play is the freedom to quit, at anytime you want. Play, first and foremost, is what one wants to do, as opposed to what one feels obliged to do.

   5 characteristics of play:

   1. Self-Chosen and Self-Directed
   2. Intrinsically motivated—means are more valued than ends
   3. Guided by mental rules, but the rules leave room for creativity
   4. Imaginative
   5. Conducted in an alert, active, but relatively non-stressed frame of mind

   Play is a free activity standing quite consciously outside ‘ordinary’ life as being ‘not serious,’ but at the same time absorbing the player intensely and utterly. It is an activity connected with no material interest, and no profit can be gained by it. It proceeds within its own proper boundaries of time and space according to fixed rules and in an orderly manner.” Johan Huizinga (1955)

Masculine principles

1. Desire (projected and unconditionally)
   

   
   You have to show the other person that you want them, or that you have an interest in them. This can be done be flirting and touching each other for example. Don’t come accross as needy. Don’t go out there and “crave” to be loved. Don’t demand anything. Show desire by flirting and creating a space for interaction that can lead to attraction. Create desire by being a uniqum that is not afraid to make a fool out of yourself!

2. Emotional Intelligence
   

   
   Be aware of your environment and social dynamics. Be empathic and compashionate, show people that you care, and that you are not a complete psychopath. John Cooper talk about that men should not expose women to an uncomfortable situation, like stalling them in the middle of the street to ask for their phone number. When it comes to men, you don’t want to take up all their time, you wanna move around like a social butterfly, interacting with other people and giving space for the guy to also have some fun and do “his own thing”. Know how you come accross to other people and how your behavior affects them.

   Try to get a holistic understanding of your surroundings. Mechanical structure don’t work, be natural and let things flow. Know when to  change subject in conversations, ask questions, move ahead, give space and so on. Be awake in the moment and feel the vibe. Listen to what is actually being said instead of waiting for your turn to talk.

3. (Taking) Action

   Don’t wait for the other person to take the lead, if you see that the moment is right, and you feel the connection between the two of you; go for it. Either it is asking for phone number, a date, a gesture or going in for a kiss. Feel comfortable in your own shoes and do what you want to do.

According to John Cooper it is important to keep a good yingyang ballance between the feminine and masculine principles, as they are equally important. Be real and authentic and keep it flowing. Stop overanalyzing and try to control everything, live in the moment and just go out there with a childlike attitude and play to have fun!

“We are the gift that we want to share with the world”,
John Cooper

The sparkeling first date

I am never going on another first date. At least not for a few weeks. That’s me, almost every week. But I do go on one new date in general every week still. And I’m glad I do. Some of my first dates have been absolutely amazing. Sparks flying, chemistry bursting, interesting dialogues and funny moments. You can just feel it. It feels right. How to not fuck it up from here you think to yourself, that we will come back to another time, but now I want to talk about what actually creates a good first date.

Usually I’m pretty good at creating attraction, connection and interest enough for most people to ask me out again. This after  lots of practice and self-awareness reflections. I hardly ever have a bad first date these days, and if I do, I kinda blame it on myself for not giving enough of myself. Sometimes it’s just no chemistry, sometimes you both just feel it is not really right. Sometimes only one person feels it, sometimes both. Nothing to stress about, just don’t give more if you don’t want more, to avoid confussion. But non the less, always try to have a good time!

So how do you have a sparkling first date with fireworks, connection and attraction? Taking a shower and wear clean clothes should be self-explained, but for the rest of the date here is a little list:

1. Don’t overdress and keep the makeup simple

On a first date you should show a bit of your personal style, but take it easy on the makeup, and don’t dress up like you are going on a valentines date after a 2 year long relationship. Wear comfortable shoes (or bring flats), you never know what the date might bring.

2. Be charming

Guys want to date a girl that is pleasant to be around. Give him a warm greeting when you meet. Smile, and show him that you are excited about the date. Be nice and polite to external people you might meet on the date. Either if it’s the waitress, taxi driver, random people, friends he might bump into. Be nice!

3. Break the ice

A date never have to be awkward. When you first meet, smile, give him a warm hug, and tell a funny story about your way to meet him etc. Guys can also be shy and very nervous before a first date. By breaking the ice you are taking some preasure of his shoulders.

4. Ask questions

But not investigating questions like marriage, kids, etc. Be curious about who he is. Show him that you are interested in him and what he is all about. Come with follow up-questions. Guys notice if you are self-centered, and it is a huge turn-off. Keep it light and
avoid going into the deep hell of life, death or tragedies. Keep it fun and stay away from topics like work, exes, boring routine life etc. Answer any questions with enthusiasm and show him you are excited and passionate about your life.

5. Share stories

Tell something funny you did, have seen or observed recently. This is usually a good ice-breaker if you have seen something on your way to the date or experienced something earlier that day. If you always try to relate something from his stories to your life you might come accross as needy or self-obsessed. If he share a story engage in it don’t abandon it and try to make it your story. He is likely trying to impress you, and by stealing the story (and his thunder), you might end up insulting him (another huge turn-off for men). Listen to him, respect him and be interested in what he has to say.

6. Keep you phone in your purse 

Yes, just turn it off completely. Show him you are not a digital web whore, and give him the attention and respect he deserves. If you do need to check your phone or take a call ALWAYS apologize and say you’ll turn it of from now on.

7. Give him complements 

Especially about his personality, e.g. tell him he is cool, funny, smart etc, if he does something that falls into either category. Guys especially like it if you give them a complement about something they don’t hear too often, or about something that not everyone notice about them. If he is a good dancer, tell him! If he introduce you to a cool place, say it. If he complements you accept it and say; “thank you, that is very sweet of you”.

8. Don’t agree unless you actually agree

Show him you have your own opinions, and validate your opinions by explaining why you mean this and that. Giving examples to something concrete might make him see your point of view and get a better understanding of you. I sometimes play devils advocate just to keep a more interesting dialouge, and hear what he is all about. Remember though, you don’t need to prove yourself, or win an argument, just keep the discussion light and fun and let it flow into other topics.

9. Be confident

Whatever question he might ask you, answer with confidence, make him think you have a reflective mind and you have been thinking about whatever before, or be really good at improvising in the moment. Yes, we are not always confident and have a plate full of good answers. Just don’t overthink it, and let it flow. Be confident in your own skin, and trust who you are. Don’t try to be something you are not. Laugh and express yourself, don’t hold back out of fear. Being defensive or getting uncomfortable might make him think you are insecure about yourself, another mayor turn-off for guys especially on a first date.

10. Let him take the lead

If he suggest something, be spontaneous and go with the flow. Let the situation of the date take you anywhere! Seeing who he is, and what places he wants to take you gives you insight into how this guy will treat you. The place a guy takes you can reveal alot about his personality, interests and intentions.

11. Flirt and show your sexy side

Guys need to feel a sexual attraction to you if they are gonna see you as something more than just a friend. Show him how sexy you can be with the way you move, dance, order a drink, flirt with the bartender etc. Don’t show it with “sexy” clothing. Glance at him from accross the room. Keep eye contact when talking. Touch him lightly on shoulders, arms, kiss him on the cheek if he do or say something sweet etc. Remember to have fun, and don’t take anything too serious on a first date. Joke around and tease him a bit. By making him feel sexy, you become sexy!

12. Be cool

Show him a bit of your wild side, do something he wouldn’t expect, suggest something cool like playing pool, climb a tree, jump in the ocean, show him something cool, or take him somewhere cool like a pillow fight or a really good beer-bar he never heard about.

13. Keep some mystery

Don’t tell him your whole life story, mention some pieces here and there, but keep him guessing and wondering about you, let him want to get to know you better and ask you out on a second date!

14. Feel the vibe and enjoy yourself

Don’t force anything, let it flow. If it’s right it’s right. If it is not it is not. You can’t force chemistry to exist. Even though you might know within the first 10 minutes “he’s not a match”, just make it playful and have a good time non-the less and just make the best out of it. You both dedicated time to meet each other so you should at least try to get to know each other for who you truely are. Maybe he will surprise you!

15. Offer to pay the second drink 

First drink he will probably pay, second one you should always suggest is on you, if he insists he pay that one too let him and say thank you. Show him you are just as much interested in investing in the date as he is. You can also make some fun game out of it by betting in drinks or shots of tequila; “if this next story doesn’t make you crack your pants next round of shots/drinks is on me”.

16. Lastly don’t have any expectations!!!

Don’t assume you know him before you meet him, don’t think he will act this or that way. Take the date as it is, go with the flow and get to know each other, and create some fun memories together. Don’t compare him to other dates, or ex-boyfriends. Don’t be judgemental, and do show him you accept him for him. That way there is no possible way you can be disappointed, and the chances of having a great first date increases!

Leave the date an experience richer, and no matter how it goes ahead with the two of you at least you showed him your best side and you got to see the person he is. If it sparkles further only another date can tell, and if you follow these advices I’m sure you will be able to create a connection, and he will defintelly ask you out again.

Movie reflection: The Pill (2011)

To be honest I’m impressed this movie managed to keep me engaged enough to finish it, as I must say that this must be the most idiotic movie I’ve seen in ages. Somehow however I’m kinda glad I did, as it was a bit of an eye-opener to how extremely bad some relationships really are. To sum the movie up in one sentence; guy have problems with girlfriend, go out get drunk, cheat on his girlfriend with a girl who refuses to take the morning after pill = receipe for disaster. The story evolves around these three main characters, and the two womens relationship to the shared man. The two female characters are both extremely irrational human beings, letting their feelings get the best out of them constantly. The guy is to some degree at least trying to act rational, while the females are being portrayed as these horrible, over-reacting, jealous, boring and emotional unstable creatures.

Mindy is this girl Fred picks up in a bar. They have a drunk evening with unprotected sex. Must have been pretty amazing behind the scenes because I can’t seem to understand where this special bonding between them happens. All the suddenly the main character, Fred, decide to leave his irrational girlfriend for the last two years and switch her out with this crazy new girl that he had drunken sex with once. Mindy, however, is also irrational, sneaking through the guy’s phone, while he’s yelling at his then current girlfriend for always nagging him and that she doesn’t show him any respect, blablabla. I fail to see where Mindy is the better option, or why she had to be an option at all. Fred realising that non of them are good enough for him, non of them show him the respect he deserves, and he decide to go single solo would be a much better outcome of this shitpiece of a “love” story… To be fairly honest though Fred also doesn’s give the women the respect they deserve. He is constantly yelling at them, trying to manipulate Mindy to take the pills, disrespecting his girlfriend, cheating on her etc. This movie is full of lessons on how not to be in a relationship, and warning signs of how you can end up if you are a complete self-obsessed ego who only care for yourself. Karma I  think they call it. Give shit – get shit.

Mindy having the time of her life with Fred the morning after he cheated on his girlfriend with her.

I had to google what kind of reviews this movie actually got, because I assumed most of them would have given it low ratings. To my surprise it was actually pretty hard to come accross extremely negative reviews. The worst I could find was from NY Post which gave it a 38 / 100 on Metacritic. Sarah Stewart / NY Post sum it up oh so good:

“….full of gender stereotypes and all-around bad behavior. There’s no one here to root for”

Completely stereotyped. You don’t want anyone of them to find love, especially not with each other. They are just not right for each other, or anyone else out there. I guess this movie just tells us that stupid people will end up with stupid people, and they probably deserve each other.

I also felt that the review from Slant was pretty accurate to my own personal experience of the movie:

The situation loses its appeal once we leave this original premise and Mindy’s strangeness begins to look like mere naiveté.

Mindy had so much potential. She could be fucking with Freds head, and been on birth control all the time, and that would make for a much better movie. But that she’s actually not on it because of “her religion” is just plain retarded. So what about condoms? What about STDs? Really girl, if you are THAT stupid than don’t fucking have sex and force another persons destiny unwillingly upon them. Clearly a no-go signal, and nothing you should be dating. As I see it both Mindy and Freds girlfriend are two of the same piece of inedible cake. There’s not much differences between them when it comes to how their wired in the brain and whatever comes out of their mouth, as well as their lack of reflective ways of actions. If you don’t make yourself better, you won’t get anything better. Are you being a jealous, cheeting bastard you will get a cheeting bastard.

Get me right. These characters are actually highly believable, and I do think alot of people get into relationships like this without even thinking about a more profound level of geniuine respect and love. They just go for the one option they are being offered without thinking that there might be other, better, options out there. But do believe me, there is. There is always something else, and you can always find something better, more suitable for you!

People are highly different from each other, we think and processes thoughts in a variety of different ways. We need to understand that we are indeed different, and accept that we think differently. A relationship where you demand, and expect something based on your own emotional state of mind is not a healthy place to be in.

A good relationship is based on trust, respect and love. If you don’t have all three of them your relationship is doomed to fail. You need to have it from start. You need to give love in order to receive love, and you need to be able to appreciate the love you are getting. You need to trust someone in order for them to trust you, you need to show the other person they can trust you, and most of all you need to respect that they are different. Respect their space, respect their way of actions. Appreciate it, love it as best as you can. Never ever go into a relationship and think you can change a person. If you see defaults unsuitable for you, get out. If you see something that won’t work for you in the long run (if that is what you are looking for), stop and get out!

Lesson to take from this? Don’t pull up with bullshit! For me personally there are a few things I for sure know would kill a loving relationship, and make me feel like I’m slowly dying heavily on the inside. I choose to stay away when I see those warning signs. I know there are so many better matches with me than “just accepting” how a person already live their life. If the other person have a lifestyle that is not compatible, that’s just how it is. Let it go and move on!

The guy who had a really hot X

DATE: Scott (33), IT

Most of us do have a few X’s in our books. For most people it is just an X, a blank cross, a dead end, a crosspoint in a life, an end of something that leads to a start of something new, history, memories and a long goodbye. For others; they’re not quite there. They still think about this other person that used to be a part of their life, now gone, independent, solo, without you. Maybe they secretly still want them around as they carry the baggage wherever they go. Whatever reason they have they clearly still think about them from time to time.

I went on a date with a scottish guy a few years older than me. Let’s call him Scott (33).  From the moment I met Scott it was a bit off. We met at a small little bar with rude staff close to Centraal. The rude staff in the bar was not a pleasent first experience, and we decided to go somewhere else. After a bit awkwardness we had an easy floathing conversation about nothing and everything. Scott wanted to appologize for the rude staff at the bar we originally planed on meeting so we decided to go back. We had a few beers, and I went with him to his appartment right next by to meet his cat (yes, I can be fooled by free wine and some pussy). At his place we drank some wine, listened to music and talked. Scott would constantly bring up his X in the most randomly topics. I don’t really care too much what people do talk about, and I try to keep an open-mind regardless. Though, in his situation it would be about how “annoying she was”. He actually said that she was super hot, super sexy, but crazy. She wouldn’t stop texting him, and she would send nude photos of herself all the time. OH MY GOD!! Imagine to get super sexy pictures of a hot brazilian babe to your phone every morning you wake up. That must be extremely annoying, especially if you are a hetrosexual guy. Yikes.

We did though have other interesting conversations, and my goal was just to show the best possible side of me and get to know Scott better. Unfortuantely, the most interesting thing about him was actually his X. He had little to no hobbies, drank way too much alcohol, didn’t smoke weed, didn’t like fish, ate way too much meat, super picky, close-minded, not a people-person. Worst thing worst; he would constantly talk down about others, like his X, or his co-workers, or his bosses or whatever. Why that wasn’t enought to get me charmed, it seemed to me that he was sitting there waiting for someone to rescue him out of his misserable super boring life. Yeah, I was not going to be that person. At least I found out a lot in a first date, (and a second afternoon beer date with more or less the same negativity). No joy in life. I’m not the emergency central, next time call a psychologist. All in all, the guy was completely “normal”. There are shockingly many people like that; don’t reflect upon their actions, or their choice of words. Clearly this guy didn’t go on a lot of dates, and his insecurities got the best of him. Still I think 2 dates, and a brief moment to collect my sunglasses is quite enough to understand we were not a match. The fact is that way to many people bring up their X’s in conversations with new dates. Please, just let it be. We can’t be bothered. When we know each other more, it’s more natural to bring up  a few stories about your X. After all they did mean something to you, and if we are at the stage where I care for you, I care for you to share those stories too.

So what we can learn from this?

1. Never talk about your X
   Especially not on a first date (!)
2. Please don’t show us pictures of your X!
   Scott never showed me any proof of his insanly hot brazilian X, however another guy did show me pictures of his X on a second date which I thought was pretty odd.
3. Never mention “how crazy your X is for sending you nude photos”
   You are actually sending mixed signals, and you will never see any nude photos of this date. trust me, it’s a no-brainer
4. If you do talk about your X; don’t talk down about them
   There is a reason they are X’s so we assume they have some defaults. However we assume you are not so oblivious that you would date a person that would have no positive qualities other than looks?
5. Don’t be condescending towards others or your work place
   If you are in an environment where you are not so happy you can be open about it, but then talk about your plan for the future, to make it better. Mission: rescue yourself

All the above not only scare your date off, it is also a huge turn-off. There is absolutely no reason to talk about your X, especially not on a first date, unless your X recently died in an unfourtunate accident, and in that case maybe dating might be a bit overwhelming right now. Talking about your X in a brief funny sentence can be ok if the moment and context is right, but talking about your X in several occasions only shows insecurity. The worst thing you can do is talking down about your X, all the defaults, craziness and how insanly bitch she was tells more about you than about your X. Makes me wonder how the X was threated by her X to act that way, or that you are bad at chosing a partner / girlfriend. Again: HUGE TURNOFF! 

Final lesson:
Get to know your date and forget your X

Brainal?

Penetration of the the brain. Hard.
Unexpected, surprising, intimidating, but still oh so good.

The origin of this word comes from life couch Matthew Hussey from this funny video back from 2013, take a look:

Brainal: “The act of penetrating deep subjects of intellectual curiosity with a partner, resulting in mental stimulation, and of then, pyshical-emotional attraction”, Matthew Hussey

I’ve always been atracted to intelligence in others, and would be considered a sapiosexual. For me it is a huge turn on when people show knowledge, and confidence in the knowledge they have, and also show the ability to want to broaden their horizon and level of knowledge. For that reason I’m much easier attracted to men that are older than me, or have a high level of education. Of course this doesn’t mean that I never get attracted to people who don’t have a high level of education or are a bit younger than me. What it all comes down to in the end is if I feel they impress me in some way, with knowledge or infomation I didn’t have to begin with. They need to challenge me on many levels to be more precise. I love a feisty discussion that can go anywhere.

I am a 27 year old woman. I have been single for about a year, after a 4 year long relationship. I’m currently dating, and want to share my experiences on this blog. It took me some months to get over my ex while wondering whether or not breaking up was the right choice or not. I do want to have real love, and create a real connection with someone again, but not right now. Now I am happy being me, doing my own thing, and being single. Unless someone falls flawlessly into my life and can be an extension of it, I am not ready to put in all the effort that takes to build a strong and long-lasting loving relationship.

Now I have been dating, and meeting new people every other week more or less. There are some people I am seeing on a regular basis, just taking it easy, and some that I only meet once or twice. In this blog I will write about my experiences on my dates, and keep updates on the people I am seeing regularly. I will do my best to reflect upon my situations, and what I did good, and not, why there was no chemistry, how I can improve or make other dates better. As it is now I have probably been meeting about 30.40 people since me and my ex broke up. It has thought me alot about myself, helped me get out of my comfort zone, and also made me realize that there are more guys out there that are willing to invest in me, I just haven’t found the one that I want to invest in, and maybe I am not ready for it. Now I just have fun, and take things easy. The last thing I want is to go into a relationship where I wouldn’t feel like myself, or would feel that I’m loosing pieces of myself, like I did in my last relationship.

The standard cliche; we were both excited, and said we would never end up as this boring couple. But we did. We got lazy, the both of us. He was overworked, I was understimulated. We had our happy lovely moments of course, but neither of us was putting enough effort into our relationship, and that was highly unmotivating for me. I didn’t see us going anywhere. I didn’t want to sit there old, regretting everything, that I didn’t live the life I wanted because I sacrificed my own joy for someone elses. I didn’t think like that before the relationship, but somehow I got lost in the relationship and forgot about myself, my needs and my own goals, and what I wanted to achieve.

Me and my ex did go our own ways nevertheless, like we always said we would. We had a bumpy years, and looking back I have no regrets about that relationship, and neither does he I believe. I’ve learned a lot, and I’m still young. Dating is fun, but I do want something more settled if it comes along something that I can see myself being a bit more serious with.

To sum it up; this will be a very personal blog, and to keep it as honest as possible I will try to stay anonymous. I will write about everything and nothing, ideas, and thoughts, personal experiences, life, love, sex, relationships, whatever come to mind, and I feel might be valuable for other people to read.

Call me Amy, HQ Amsterdam.