Never get rejected again by implementing these 6 principles into your daily life

I came accross the Social Heartist John Cooper the other day, and this man is defintelly one to listen to. He is not a pick-up artist and he believes that genuine human interactions creates a real connection between people. You will never be rejected again by implementing and developing these principles or “traits” into your personality. What I mean by never being rejected is not that everyone will all the suddenly want to date you or fall in love with you, but that you don’t care if they ask you out or not. You don’t have an agenda, and you don’t expect anything from anyone but yourself. I’m gonna go through John Cooper’s 6 principles to fearless connection and explain them in an even simpler way that would be more targetted towards a female audience.

Feminine principles

1. Autonomy
   

   
   Be self-dependent. Trust yourself, rely on nobody else. Be self-contained within your own actions. We don’t need anything, or anyone else to fullfill us, we create our own happiness. The reward comes from within that moment, that interaction, and that glimps of unexpected reality.

2. Giving (unconditionally)
   

   
   Spread love, spread good vibes, give attention, share yourself with others. Be happy to give of yourself, because you are something special to share. Make people feel good about themselves, try to understand them, show them respect, approve of them, make them feel special. Create a good atmosphere around you and you will see that people will thrive to be in your company.

3. Play – with men, not against men

   
   Don’t play games or mind-tricks and try to manipulate your environment or people around you. Remember we are all individuals so let’s play and have fun together! Don’t go out there to get something, needy behavior shines through the roofes and is obvious to everyone.The narrative is created in the moment by everyone involved. The most basic freedom in play is the freedom to quit, at anytime you want. Play, first and foremost, is what one wants to do, as opposed to what one feels obliged to do.

   5 characteristics of play:

   1. Self-Chosen and Self-Directed
   2. Intrinsically motivated—means are more valued than ends
   3. Guided by mental rules, but the rules leave room for creativity
   4. Imaginative
   5. Conducted in an alert, active, but relatively non-stressed frame of mind

   Play is a free activity standing quite consciously outside ‘ordinary’ life as being ‘not serious,’ but at the same time absorbing the player intensely and utterly. It is an activity connected with no material interest, and no profit can be gained by it. It proceeds within its own proper boundaries of time and space according to fixed rules and in an orderly manner.” Johan Huizinga (1955)

Masculine principles

1. Desire (projected and unconditionally)
   

   
   You have to show the other person that you want them, or that you have an interest in them. This can be done be flirting and touching each other for example. Don’t come accross as needy. Don’t go out there and “crave” to be loved. Don’t demand anything. Show desire by flirting and creating a space for interaction that can lead to attraction. Create desire by being a uniqum that is not afraid to make a fool out of yourself!

2. Emotional Intelligence
   

   
   Be aware of your environment and social dynamics. Be empathic and compashionate, show people that you care, and that you are not a complete psychopath. John Cooper talk about that men should not expose women to an uncomfortable situation, like stalling them in the middle of the street to ask for their phone number. When it comes to men, you don’t want to take up all their time, you wanna move around like a social butterfly, interacting with other people and giving space for the guy to also have some fun and do “his own thing”. Know how you come accross to other people and how your behavior affects them.

   Try to get a holistic understanding of your surroundings. Mechanical structure don’t work, be natural and let things flow. Know when to  change subject in conversations, ask questions, move ahead, give space and so on. Be awake in the moment and feel the vibe. Listen to what is actually being said instead of waiting for your turn to talk.

3. (Taking) Action

   Don’t wait for the other person to take the lead, if you see that the moment is right, and you feel the connection between the two of you; go for it. Either it is asking for phone number, a date, a gesture or going in for a kiss. Feel comfortable in your own shoes and do what you want to do.

According to John Cooper it is important to keep a good yingyang ballance between the feminine and masculine principles, as they are equally important. Be real and authentic and keep it flowing. Stop overanalyzing and try to control everything, live in the moment and just go out there with a childlike attitude and play to have fun!

“We are the gift that we want to share with the world”,
John Cooper

The sparkeling first date

I am never going on another first date. At least not for a few weeks. That’s me, almost every week. But I do go on one new date in general every week still. And I’m glad I do. Some of my first dates have been absolutely amazing. Sparks flying, chemistry bursting, interesting dialogues and funny moments. You can just feel it. It feels right. How to not fuck it up from here you think to yourself, that we will come back to another time, but now I want to talk about what actually creates a good first date.

Usually I’m pretty good at creating attraction, connection and interest enough for most people to ask me out again. This after  lots of practice and self-awareness reflections. I hardly ever have a bad first date these days, and if I do, I kinda blame it on myself for not giving enough of myself. Sometimes it’s just no chemistry, sometimes you both just feel it is not really right. Sometimes only one person feels it, sometimes both. Nothing to stress about, just don’t give more if you don’t want more, to avoid confussion. But non the less, always try to have a good time!

So how do you have a sparkling first date with fireworks, connection and attraction? Taking a shower and wear clean clothes should be self-explained, but for the rest of the date here is a little list:

1. Don’t overdress and keep the makeup simple

On a first date you should show a bit of your personal style, but take it easy on the makeup, and don’t dress up like you are going on a valentines date after a 2 year long relationship. Wear comfortable shoes (or bring flats), you never know what the date might bring.

2. Be charming

Guys want to date a girl that is pleasant to be around. Give him a warm greeting when you meet. Smile, and show him that you are excited about the date. Be nice and polite to external people you might meet on the date. Either if it’s the waitress, taxi driver, random people, friends he might bump into. Be nice!

3. Break the ice

A date never have to be awkward. When you first meet, smile, give him a warm hug, and tell a funny story about your way to meet him etc. Guys can also be shy and very nervous before a first date. By breaking the ice you are taking some preasure of his shoulders.

4. Ask questions

But not investigating questions like marriage, kids, etc. Be curious about who he is. Show him that you are interested in him and what he is all about. Come with follow up-questions. Guys notice if you are self-centered, and it is a huge turn-off. Keep it light and
avoid going into the deep hell of life, death or tragedies. Keep it fun and stay away from topics like work, exes, boring routine life etc. Answer any questions with enthusiasm and show him you are excited and passionate about your life.

5. Share stories

Tell something funny you did, have seen or observed recently. This is usually a good ice-breaker if you have seen something on your way to the date or experienced something earlier that day. If you always try to relate something from his stories to your life you might come accross as needy or self-obsessed. If he share a story engage in it don’t abandon it and try to make it your story. He is likely trying to impress you, and by stealing the story (and his thunder), you might end up insulting him (another huge turn-off for men). Listen to him, respect him and be interested in what he has to say.

6. Keep you phone in your purse 

Yes, just turn it off completely. Show him you are not a digital web whore, and give him the attention and respect he deserves. If you do need to check your phone or take a call ALWAYS apologize and say you’ll turn it of from now on.

7. Give him complements 

Especially about his personality, e.g. tell him he is cool, funny, smart etc, if he does something that falls into either category. Guys especially like it if you give them a complement about something they don’t hear too often, or about something that not everyone notice about them. If he is a good dancer, tell him! If he introduce you to a cool place, say it. If he complements you accept it and say; “thank you, that is very sweet of you”.

8. Don’t agree unless you actually agree

Show him you have your own opinions, and validate your opinions by explaining why you mean this and that. Giving examples to something concrete might make him see your point of view and get a better understanding of you. I sometimes play devils advocate just to keep a more interesting dialouge, and hear what he is all about. Remember though, you don’t need to prove yourself, or win an argument, just keep the discussion light and fun and let it flow into other topics.

9. Be confident

Whatever question he might ask you, answer with confidence, make him think you have a reflective mind and you have been thinking about whatever before, or be really good at improvising in the moment. Yes, we are not always confident and have a plate full of good answers. Just don’t overthink it, and let it flow. Be confident in your own skin, and trust who you are. Don’t try to be something you are not. Laugh and express yourself, don’t hold back out of fear. Being defensive or getting uncomfortable might make him think you are insecure about yourself, another mayor turn-off for guys especially on a first date.

10. Let him take the lead

If he suggest something, be spontaneous and go with the flow. Let the situation of the date take you anywhere! Seeing who he is, and what places he wants to take you gives you insight into how this guy will treat you. The place a guy takes you can reveal alot about his personality, interests and intentions.

11. Flirt and show your sexy side

Guys need to feel a sexual attraction to you if they are gonna see you as something more than just a friend. Show him how sexy you can be with the way you move, dance, order a drink, flirt with the bartender etc. Don’t show it with “sexy” clothing. Glance at him from accross the room. Keep eye contact when talking. Touch him lightly on shoulders, arms, kiss him on the cheek if he do or say something sweet etc. Remember to have fun, and don’t take anything too serious on a first date. Joke around and tease him a bit. By making him feel sexy, you become sexy!

12. Be cool

Show him a bit of your wild side, do something he wouldn’t expect, suggest something cool like playing pool, climb a tree, jump in the ocean, show him something cool, or take him somewhere cool like a pillow fight or a really good beer-bar he never heard about.

13. Keep some mystery

Don’t tell him your whole life story, mention some pieces here and there, but keep him guessing and wondering about you, let him want to get to know you better and ask you out on a second date!

14. Feel the vibe and enjoy yourself

Don’t force anything, let it flow. If it’s right it’s right. If it is not it is not. You can’t force chemistry to exist. Even though you might know within the first 10 minutes “he’s not a match”, just make it playful and have a good time non-the less and just make the best out of it. You both dedicated time to meet each other so you should at least try to get to know each other for who you truely are. Maybe he will surprise you!

15. Offer to pay the second drink 

First drink he will probably pay, second one you should always suggest is on you, if he insists he pay that one too let him and say thank you. Show him you are just as much interested in investing in the date as he is. You can also make some fun game out of it by betting in drinks or shots of tequila; “if this next story doesn’t make you crack your pants next round of shots/drinks is on me”.

16. Lastly don’t have any expectations!!!

Don’t assume you know him before you meet him, don’t think he will act this or that way. Take the date as it is, go with the flow and get to know each other, and create some fun memories together. Don’t compare him to other dates, or ex-boyfriends. Don’t be judgemental, and do show him you accept him for him. That way there is no possible way you can be disappointed, and the chances of having a great first date increases!

Leave the date an experience richer, and no matter how it goes ahead with the two of you at least you showed him your best side and you got to see the person he is. If it sparkles further only another date can tell, and if you follow these advices I’m sure you will be able to create a connection, and he will defintelly ask you out again.

Brainal?

Penetration of the the brain. Hard.
Unexpected, surprising, intimidating, but still oh so good.

The origin of this word comes from life couch Matthew Hussey from this funny video back from 2013, take a look:

Brainal: “The act of penetrating deep subjects of intellectual curiosity with a partner, resulting in mental stimulation, and of then, pyshical-emotional attraction”, Matthew Hussey

I’ve always been atracted to intelligence in others, and would be considered a sapiosexual. For me it is a huge turn on when people show knowledge, and confidence in the knowledge they have, and also show the ability to want to broaden their horizon and level of knowledge. For that reason I’m much easier attracted to men that are older than me, or have a high level of education. Of course this doesn’t mean that I never get attracted to people who don’t have a high level of education or are a bit younger than me. What it all comes down to in the end is if I feel they impress me in some way, with knowledge or infomation I didn’t have to begin with. They need to challenge me on many levels to be more precise. I love a feisty discussion that can go anywhere.

I am a 27 year old woman. I have been single for about a year, after a 4 year long relationship. I’m currently dating, and want to share my experiences on this blog. It took me some months to get over my ex while wondering whether or not breaking up was the right choice or not. I do want to have real love, and create a real connection with someone again, but not right now. Now I am happy being me, doing my own thing, and being single. Unless someone falls flawlessly into my life and can be an extension of it, I am not ready to put in all the effort that takes to build a strong and long-lasting loving relationship.

Now I have been dating, and meeting new people every other week more or less. There are some people I am seeing on a regular basis, just taking it easy, and some that I only meet once or twice. In this blog I will write about my experiences on my dates, and keep updates on the people I am seeing regularly. I will do my best to reflect upon my situations, and what I did good, and not, why there was no chemistry, how I can improve or make other dates better. As it is now I have probably been meeting about 30.40 people since me and my ex broke up. It has thought me alot about myself, helped me get out of my comfort zone, and also made me realize that there are more guys out there that are willing to invest in me, I just haven’t found the one that I want to invest in, and maybe I am not ready for it. Now I just have fun, and take things easy. The last thing I want is to go into a relationship where I wouldn’t feel like myself, or would feel that I’m loosing pieces of myself, like I did in my last relationship.

The standard cliche; we were both excited, and said we would never end up as this boring couple. But we did. We got lazy, the both of us. He was overworked, I was understimulated. We had our happy lovely moments of course, but neither of us was putting enough effort into our relationship, and that was highly unmotivating for me. I didn’t see us going anywhere. I didn’t want to sit there old, regretting everything, that I didn’t live the life I wanted because I sacrificed my own joy for someone elses. I didn’t think like that before the relationship, but somehow I got lost in the relationship and forgot about myself, my needs and my own goals, and what I wanted to achieve.

Me and my ex did go our own ways nevertheless, like we always said we would. We had a bumpy years, and looking back I have no regrets about that relationship, and neither does he I believe. I’ve learned a lot, and I’m still young. Dating is fun, but I do want something more settled if it comes along something that I can see myself being a bit more serious with.

To sum it up; this will be a very personal blog, and to keep it as honest as possible I will try to stay anonymous. I will write about everything and nothing, ideas, and thoughts, personal experiences, life, love, sex, relationships, whatever come to mind, and I feel might be valuable for other people to read.

Call me Amy, HQ Amsterdam.